it was like his penis was on wheels.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sober January is a disaster.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
