i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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