If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
