The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize