i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
