If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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