i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
