Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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