Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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