he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
