i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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