I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
They have beer where we have blood.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
