I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
