I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
