Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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