FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
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I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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