Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
