I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
