how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
