I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
