I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
