I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
