So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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