I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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