Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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