I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
