you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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