What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
