So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Welp...herpes.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
