Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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