I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
