The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
