The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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