Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You left your phone here
Wait...
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