I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
