Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
