My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
