In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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