Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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