we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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