Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
