Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I came so hard my ears popped.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
