just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
