there's paper in my vomit.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
