cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
