Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
