he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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