you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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