You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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