I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
