Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
