My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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