I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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