i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
