At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
