the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
