I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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