Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That accounts for only three of the penises
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
