I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
