He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Randomize
