Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
