Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
